Shut up, sit down, and listen.

I'm a very good listener when I want to be. Among my friends, I am the premier vent-o-matic and shoulder to cry on. Let me share with you the secret techniques I employ so that one day, you too can earn the dubious honour of 'Best Person To Talk To When Shit Hits The Fan'!

Which technique I use depends on the personality of my patient/tormentor. Some people just want to talk and rant and bitch, some are looking for comfort, some want to feel vindicated about their decisions and some are actually looking for advice on what to do. Of course, these aren't hard and fast rules. Use your own judgement. Mix and match if and as required.

I generally fall back on 4 main techniques:
- the void (or sponge)
- the acolyte
- the tear-stained pillow
- the wise man

With these 4 techniques, or any sensible combination thereof, I guarantee that you will be the target of every rant and crying session, or your money back!

Now, let's get into the techniques themselves and you can see for yourself how effective they are. The key is choosing the right one for the situation at hand.

The void (or sponge) is the persona you assume when the person who's ranting at you is supremely confident of themselves, quite intelligent and has difficulty accepting criticism. Such people are susceptible to long rambling monologues , and they HATE to be interrupted in any way. These are the easiest to deal with, usually. All you have to do is shut up and listen. Even if they say something you disagree with, don't say anything, unless they prompt you to. You can show signs of displeasure on your face if you wish, but don't expect them to react unless you strike a nerve. Preferably, don't strike a nerve. When prompted to respond, do it in a neutral fashion that does not invite too much argument, or keep your answers short. However, you MUST be attentive to what they say. This is because as they are winding down their monologue, you will be expected to cut in and give your opinions. There will be some debate; be prepared to defend your opinions properly. Don't worry too much though, these people eventually come up with the most logical solution to their problems and all you have to do is tell them that they've arrived at the only possible conclusion to this bloody mess.

The acolyte, on the other hand, is quite a vocal creature. You assume a stance of righteous indignation, a man who has been grievously wronged. Your target is easily excitable, has great belief in their (probably) skewed version of right and wrong, and can get quite violent if not properly handled. You have been warned. Assume this persona only if you actually believe their cause is just. Otherwise, it is safer to be the void. All you have to do is infect yourself with their agitation and energy. Get yourself a little worked up. Raise your voice. Agree with them a lot. "That fucker/bitch deserves a good kicking!" is a good exclamation to throw in every now and then. However, your goal isn't to work them up into a frenzy so that they actually go out and do something horrible to right the perceived wrong. You want them to vent in a controlled fashion, waste the energy away until they calm down. Therefore, learn to read them; the moment you note a moment of hesitation, cut them off and play the devil's advocate. They will direct some of their anger at you, but if you play your cards right, you can get them to doubt themselves enough so that they see the issue more clearly. Once they've lost a bit of their reason to get angry in the first place, you can gently lead them back to a semblance of control. They'll get a little grumpy, maybe sheepish. Do what you can to allay their discomfort.

The tear-stained pillow is the one that tries my patience the most, and is usually only required by a small subset of people, and they are invariably women. They will be crying. They will want comfort, and they will want you to understand them. They don't really want you to take their side, only to show sympathy. Lots of it. "There, there, it's alright. Let it all out." and "Oh, you poor thing." are good phrases to use repeatedly. Things may get messy. You may be required to provide hugs and tissues. Do not, under any circumstances, provide solutions to their problems, no matter how trivial or easily fixed they are. They'll figure it out on their own. Just sit tight and bear it out until they feel better and go home/away. Alternatively, you may have to cheer them up somehow. Good luck with that.

Last, but not least, is the wise man. This can be either the easiest or the hardest of the lot to accomplish, because you have to come up with REAL solutions. It is usually used in combination with any of the other 3 techniques, and doesn't really stand on its own except in particularly rare situations. In this form, you listen to the problem and give your own honest opinion on how to fix the problem. It has to be fair, and considerate to all sides implicated in the issue. The delivery varies, though. You can be professorial, straight to the point, or couch it as delicately as appropriate. You must also be able to determine if the target really wants to hear your opinion or is simply spouting rhetoric.

There you have it, my secret to winning the unsought-for title of 'Best Person To Talk To When Shit Hits The Fan'! Follow these steps and you'll be well on your way to losing sleep due to impromptu trips to beaches in the next state at 3 in the morning and silently hating yourself as you use the truth like a knife to hurt others when they come to you for help.

For questions, or to arrange speaking arrangements by yours truly, please record your statements in the comments section below. Thank you, and good luck!