If you want to make someone bleed, cut their skin.
If you want to make someone angry, cut their pride.
If you want to hurt someone deeply, cut their heart.
Of these three, the last is the hardest, because the only way to cut their heart is for them to give it to you freely in the first place.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
How A Programmer Goes Through Work And Life
I am a programmer by trade. I write ERP software for retail chain stores. It's a decent living.
As a programmer, any code I write has to be completely unambiguous. Everything must be as literal as possible. As many likely scenarios that I can think of which may be encountered by a user must be recognised, accounted and prepared for. My code structure is crisp, clean-cut and heavily commented, so that programmers after me can read my notes and have a clearer idea of what my code is trying to do. It may not be the most optimised or fastest code out there, but it is certainly well-planned and can be figured out easily enough by anyone else.
When customers put in a request for a new function, I interview them by trying to find out exactly what they want. I set parameters and software limits, trying to gauge their scope, their uses, possible points that they may have neglected to include. Once I list it all out to them, and they agree that nothing has been left out, I start work. I make sure that my software fulfills all their requirements. If I cannot, then I meet up with them to explain the problem and work out an alternative. Everything must be clear, literal and detailed to a certain degree. I do this because I hate repeating work, which wastes time and frustrates both myself and the customer. Thus it pisses me off greatly whenever the customer changes their expectations halfway, or signals get crossed and I misunderstand what it was they actually wanted.
In a way, I apply the same values and principles in life. I go about every day based on routine, clear instructions and boundaries, and performing tasks with an expected end result or goal in mind. Unfortunately, unlike code, the world and the people in it rarely follow predictable patterns. It is this kind of unpredictability that lands me in all sorts of trouble and makes life difficult.
I must admit that I have an appalling lack of instinct, especially with regards to other people. I miss obvious facial cues and subtle undertones in conversations. I am lousy when it comes to inventing things on the fly, which makes it very obvious to anyone when I attempt to embellish the truth or outright lie (so I never bother to - everyone finds out nearly instantly anyway).
When the unexpected happens, especially if its for the first time, (a car accident, winning a prize, dog goes missing) I find myself caught more flat-footed than others. I get tongue-tied, struck dumb, I flap my arms around ineffectually, I get frustrated and unnecessarily angry. Being caught unawares, or having something negative happen outside my initial expectations is something I hate very much. It offends my sensibilities. It shouldn't happen. I did it exactly the way I was supposed to do it, so why is everything falling apart? Why can't everything be systematic and clear-cut, like a well-defined scientific experiment? Follow the instructions and any established scientific fact can be replicated and proven, consistently.
I wish life was more like this.
As a programmer, any code I write has to be completely unambiguous. Everything must be as literal as possible. As many likely scenarios that I can think of which may be encountered by a user must be recognised, accounted and prepared for. My code structure is crisp, clean-cut and heavily commented, so that programmers after me can read my notes and have a clearer idea of what my code is trying to do. It may not be the most optimised or fastest code out there, but it is certainly well-planned and can be figured out easily enough by anyone else.
When customers put in a request for a new function, I interview them by trying to find out exactly what they want. I set parameters and software limits, trying to gauge their scope, their uses, possible points that they may have neglected to include. Once I list it all out to them, and they agree that nothing has been left out, I start work. I make sure that my software fulfills all their requirements. If I cannot, then I meet up with them to explain the problem and work out an alternative. Everything must be clear, literal and detailed to a certain degree. I do this because I hate repeating work, which wastes time and frustrates both myself and the customer. Thus it pisses me off greatly whenever the customer changes their expectations halfway, or signals get crossed and I misunderstand what it was they actually wanted.
In a way, I apply the same values and principles in life. I go about every day based on routine, clear instructions and boundaries, and performing tasks with an expected end result or goal in mind. Unfortunately, unlike code, the world and the people in it rarely follow predictable patterns. It is this kind of unpredictability that lands me in all sorts of trouble and makes life difficult.
I must admit that I have an appalling lack of instinct, especially with regards to other people. I miss obvious facial cues and subtle undertones in conversations. I am lousy when it comes to inventing things on the fly, which makes it very obvious to anyone when I attempt to embellish the truth or outright lie (so I never bother to - everyone finds out nearly instantly anyway).
When the unexpected happens, especially if its for the first time, (a car accident, winning a prize, dog goes missing) I find myself caught more flat-footed than others. I get tongue-tied, struck dumb, I flap my arms around ineffectually, I get frustrated and unnecessarily angry. Being caught unawares, or having something negative happen outside my initial expectations is something I hate very much. It offends my sensibilities. It shouldn't happen. I did it exactly the way I was supposed to do it, so why is everything falling apart? Why can't everything be systematic and clear-cut, like a well-defined scientific experiment? Follow the instructions and any established scientific fact can be replicated and proven, consistently.
I wish life was more like this.
Friday, September 19, 2008
I have a death wish while driving.
I've noticed that I cannot tolerate rudeness and aggression from other drivers while I am driving. I'm not sure why I behave like this; most of the time I simply ignore such behaviour and move on. This pattern gets thrown out the window, though, while I am behind the wheel. I present to you 3 cases:
I am in a parking lot. As I'm inching forward in a parking lot jam, trying to get home, a car in a lot in front of me starts reversing out of a parking spot, getting in my way. I wait until the car clears the spot and moves on. While I am waiting, the impatient driver of the SUV behind me starts gesticulating wildly and honking me. I get irritated, so I flip him the bird. He promptly replies with self-same gesture and then proceeds to hound me ALL the way through the parking lot, hitting the horn as he goes while he tailgates my car. I eventually get tired of the whole thing and manage to give him the slip.
I am once again in a parking lot. The car in front of me starts parking in an inappropriate spot, blocking my way. I get annoyed and frown very hard at him. Suddenly the driver rolls down the window and starts gesticulating wildly at me, at one point even lifting his steering lock and shaking the contraption at me. I am puzzled, but pay him no mind when he finally drives away. After parking my car, the same driver stalks towards me and starts yelling obscenities at me. Suicidally, I insult him right back (in a far more articulate and sophisticated fashion, of course). Now he's steaming mad and rushing at me with his fists balled. Suicidally (again), I stand my ground and prepare to get caught up in a fistfight. (I think I did this because I had a female passenger with me, and had this momentary need to protect her from the harm that an apparently crazy motorist can visit on nearby onlookers.) This seems to give him pause, and he stops his violent advance. Negotiations reopen, and we discover that there was some "miscommunication" (obviously a face-saving gesture). He thought I was insulting him in my car while he was trying to maneuver out of a tight spot. I assure him I was not. Apologies are made and the situation blows over.
I am driving down the highway, about to shift into the higher-speed middle lane. I check my mirrors, take a quick look to my right and start switching lanes, signal lights flashing. A really fast-moving vehicle from way back (right lane) suddenly switches to the middle lane and before you know it, is blaring his horn at me for obstructing his way. It's too late for me to switch back into my original lane, so I ignore him and finish the lane switch. The driver is incensed by my brazen move and continues to honk at me, flashing his high beams. When he gets no reaction, he draws up parallel to my car to do...I don't know what. Instead of ignoring him, I flash him a cheery smile and a wave. This really gets his goat. This uncouth middle-aged man then continues to tailgate me nearly all the way to the office, obviously going out of his way to do violence onto my person. I briefly considered driving straight to a police station, but instead manage to give him the slip by making an unscheduled (and therefore, dangerous) turn, leaving him stranded on the highway.
If I keep this up, one day this will all end in tears. I really need to learn to be less impulsive on the roads.
I am in a parking lot. As I'm inching forward in a parking lot jam, trying to get home, a car in a lot in front of me starts reversing out of a parking spot, getting in my way. I wait until the car clears the spot and moves on. While I am waiting, the impatient driver of the SUV behind me starts gesticulating wildly and honking me. I get irritated, so I flip him the bird. He promptly replies with self-same gesture and then proceeds to hound me ALL the way through the parking lot, hitting the horn as he goes while he tailgates my car. I eventually get tired of the whole thing and manage to give him the slip.
I am once again in a parking lot. The car in front of me starts parking in an inappropriate spot, blocking my way. I get annoyed and frown very hard at him. Suddenly the driver rolls down the window and starts gesticulating wildly at me, at one point even lifting his steering lock and shaking the contraption at me. I am puzzled, but pay him no mind when he finally drives away. After parking my car, the same driver stalks towards me and starts yelling obscenities at me. Suicidally, I insult him right back (in a far more articulate and sophisticated fashion, of course). Now he's steaming mad and rushing at me with his fists balled. Suicidally (again), I stand my ground and prepare to get caught up in a fistfight. (I think I did this because I had a female passenger with me, and had this momentary need to protect her from the harm that an apparently crazy motorist can visit on nearby onlookers.) This seems to give him pause, and he stops his violent advance. Negotiations reopen, and we discover that there was some "miscommunication" (obviously a face-saving gesture). He thought I was insulting him in my car while he was trying to maneuver out of a tight spot. I assure him I was not. Apologies are made and the situation blows over.
I am driving down the highway, about to shift into the higher-speed middle lane. I check my mirrors, take a quick look to my right and start switching lanes, signal lights flashing. A really fast-moving vehicle from way back (right lane) suddenly switches to the middle lane and before you know it, is blaring his horn at me for obstructing his way. It's too late for me to switch back into my original lane, so I ignore him and finish the lane switch. The driver is incensed by my brazen move and continues to honk at me, flashing his high beams. When he gets no reaction, he draws up parallel to my car to do...I don't know what. Instead of ignoring him, I flash him a cheery smile and a wave. This really gets his goat. This uncouth middle-aged man then continues to tailgate me nearly all the way to the office, obviously going out of his way to do violence onto my person. I briefly considered driving straight to a police station, but instead manage to give him the slip by making an unscheduled (and therefore, dangerous) turn, leaving him stranded on the highway.
If I keep this up, one day this will all end in tears. I really need to learn to be less impulsive on the roads.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
I refuse to say what I want you to know so badly.
Contrary to popular opinion, the idea that "if you don't know, then I'm not going to tell you" is not predominantly ensconced within the female domain. The trend is alarmingly popular among males too. The difference here is that guys simply do it differently...and are possibly even more prone to misinterpretation compared to the fairer sex.
Many guys will clam up and bunker down whenever an argument arises with their significant other. There are many reasons for doing this: it may be to avoid provoking her and fuelling the argument, to stop himself saying really hurtful things that he doesn't mean, or even to give himself time to think and prepare a proper response. The reasons are legion, and I cannot cover them all. What interests me, however, is the stony silence that occurs once the girl runs out of steam and quiets down herself.
This is the time when the man starts yelling in his head, screaming out everything he wants to say within the confines of his skull. He vents, he rages, he gets very emotional. He doesn't hold back; anything he wants to say will resound in his head there and then. Every retort or answer he thought of during her tirade will be presented at this time. The problem here, of course, is that it all stays in his head. The girl has no clue about what's going on. She thinks he's being cold, or even worse, disinterested.
Why doesn't he just let it all out, let her know, get it over with? Again, the reasons are too many to consider. But one common reason is that he expects her to know what he wants to say. It should be obvious, right? She's been with him for so long, she should understand him. He doesn't need to say it out loud. She can probably even read it all off the expression on his face. And this assumption is a bad mistake to make.
Stop assuming, be blunt, get it all off your chests, work it out.
Stop assuming, be blunt, get it all off your chests, work it out.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Shut up, sit down, and listen.
I'm a very good listener when I want to be. Among my friends, I am the premier vent-o-matic and shoulder to cry on. Let me share with you the secret techniques I employ so that one day, you too can earn the dubious honour of 'Best Person To Talk To When Shit Hits The Fan'!
Which technique I use depends on the personality of my patient/tormentor. Some people just want to talk and rant and bitch, some are looking for comfort, some want to feel vindicated about their decisions and some are actually looking for advice on what to do. Of course, these aren't hard and fast rules. Use your own judgement. Mix and match if and as required.
I generally fall back on 4 main techniques:
- the void (or sponge)
- the acolyte
- the tear-stained pillow
- the wise man
With these 4 techniques, or any sensible combination thereof, I guarantee that you will be the target of every rant and crying session, or your money back!
Now, let's get into the techniques themselves and you can see for yourself how effective they are. The key is choosing the right one for the situation at hand.
The void (or sponge) is the persona you assume when the person who's ranting at you is supremely confident of themselves, quite intelligent and has difficulty accepting criticism. Such people are susceptible to long rambling monologues , and they HATE to be interrupted in any way. These are the easiest to deal with, usually. All you have to do is shut up and listen. Even if they say something you disagree with, don't say anything, unless they prompt you to. You can show signs of displeasure on your face if you wish, but don't expect them to react unless you strike a nerve. Preferably, don't strike a nerve. When prompted to respond, do it in a neutral fashion that does not invite too much argument, or keep your answers short. However, you MUST be attentive to what they say. This is because as they are winding down their monologue, you will be expected to cut in and give your opinions. There will be some debate; be prepared to defend your opinions properly. Don't worry too much though, these people eventually come up with the most logical solution to their problems and all you have to do is tell them that they've arrived at the only possible conclusion to this bloody mess.
The acolyte, on the other hand, is quite a vocal creature. You assume a stance of righteous indignation, a man who has been grievously wronged. Your target is easily excitable, has great belief in their (probably) skewed version of right and wrong, and can get quite violent if not properly handled. You have been warned. Assume this persona only if you actually believe their cause is just. Otherwise, it is safer to be the void. All you have to do is infect yourself with their agitation and energy. Get yourself a little worked up. Raise your voice. Agree with them a lot. "That fucker/bitch deserves a good kicking!" is a good exclamation to throw in every now and then. However, your goal isn't to work them up into a frenzy so that they actually go out and do something horrible to right the perceived wrong. You want them to vent in a controlled fashion, waste the energy away until they calm down. Therefore, learn to read them; the moment you note a moment of hesitation, cut them off and play the devil's advocate. They will direct some of their anger at you, but if you play your cards right, you can get them to doubt themselves enough so that they see the issue more clearly. Once they've lost a bit of their reason to get angry in the first place, you can gently lead them back to a semblance of control. They'll get a little grumpy, maybe sheepish. Do what you can to allay their discomfort.
The tear-stained pillow is the one that tries my patience the most, and is usually only required by a small subset of people, and they are invariably women. They will be crying. They will want comfort, and they will want you to understand them. They don't really want you to take their side, only to show sympathy. Lots of it. "There, there, it's alright. Let it all out." and "Oh, you poor thing." are good phrases to use repeatedly. Things may get messy. You may be required to provide hugs and tissues. Do not, under any circumstances, provide solutions to their problems, no matter how trivial or easily fixed they are. They'll figure it out on their own. Just sit tight and bear it out until they feel better and go home/away. Alternatively, you may have to cheer them up somehow. Good luck with that.
Last, but not least, is the wise man. This can be either the easiest or the hardest of the lot to accomplish, because you have to come up with REAL solutions. It is usually used in combination with any of the other 3 techniques, and doesn't really stand on its own except in particularly rare situations. In this form, you listen to the problem and give your own honest opinion on how to fix the problem. It has to be fair, and considerate to all sides implicated in the issue. The delivery varies, though. You can be professorial, straight to the point, or couch it as delicately as appropriate. You must also be able to determine if the target really wants to hear your opinion or is simply spouting rhetoric.
There you have it, my secret to winning the unsought-for title of 'Best Person To Talk To When Shit Hits The Fan'! Follow these steps and you'll be well on your way to losing sleep due to impromptu trips to beaches in the next state at 3 in the morning and silently hating yourself as you use the truth like a knife to hurt others when they come to you for help.
For questions, or to arrange speaking arrangements by yours truly, please record your statements in the comments section below. Thank you, and good luck!
Which technique I use depends on the personality of my patient/tormentor. Some people just want to talk and rant and bitch, some are looking for comfort, some want to feel vindicated about their decisions and some are actually looking for advice on what to do. Of course, these aren't hard and fast rules. Use your own judgement. Mix and match if and as required.
I generally fall back on 4 main techniques:
- the void (or sponge)
- the acolyte
- the tear-stained pillow
- the wise man
With these 4 techniques, or any sensible combination thereof, I guarantee that you will be the target of every rant and crying session, or your money back!
Now, let's get into the techniques themselves and you can see for yourself how effective they are. The key is choosing the right one for the situation at hand.
The void (or sponge) is the persona you assume when the person who's ranting at you is supremely confident of themselves, quite intelligent and has difficulty accepting criticism. Such people are susceptible to long rambling monologues , and they HATE to be interrupted in any way. These are the easiest to deal with, usually. All you have to do is shut up and listen. Even if they say something you disagree with, don't say anything, unless they prompt you to. You can show signs of displeasure on your face if you wish, but don't expect them to react unless you strike a nerve. Preferably, don't strike a nerve. When prompted to respond, do it in a neutral fashion that does not invite too much argument, or keep your answers short. However, you MUST be attentive to what they say. This is because as they are winding down their monologue, you will be expected to cut in and give your opinions. There will be some debate; be prepared to defend your opinions properly. Don't worry too much though, these people eventually come up with the most logical solution to their problems and all you have to do is tell them that they've arrived at the only possible conclusion to this bloody mess.
The acolyte, on the other hand, is quite a vocal creature. You assume a stance of righteous indignation, a man who has been grievously wronged. Your target is easily excitable, has great belief in their (probably) skewed version of right and wrong, and can get quite violent if not properly handled. You have been warned. Assume this persona only if you actually believe their cause is just. Otherwise, it is safer to be the void. All you have to do is infect yourself with their agitation and energy. Get yourself a little worked up. Raise your voice. Agree with them a lot. "That fucker/bitch deserves a good kicking!" is a good exclamation to throw in every now and then. However, your goal isn't to work them up into a frenzy so that they actually go out and do something horrible to right the perceived wrong. You want them to vent in a controlled fashion, waste the energy away until they calm down. Therefore, learn to read them; the moment you note a moment of hesitation, cut them off and play the devil's advocate. They will direct some of their anger at you, but if you play your cards right, you can get them to doubt themselves enough so that they see the issue more clearly. Once they've lost a bit of their reason to get angry in the first place, you can gently lead them back to a semblance of control. They'll get a little grumpy, maybe sheepish. Do what you can to allay their discomfort.
The tear-stained pillow is the one that tries my patience the most, and is usually only required by a small subset of people, and they are invariably women. They will be crying. They will want comfort, and they will want you to understand them. They don't really want you to take their side, only to show sympathy. Lots of it. "There, there, it's alright. Let it all out." and "Oh, you poor thing." are good phrases to use repeatedly. Things may get messy. You may be required to provide hugs and tissues. Do not, under any circumstances, provide solutions to their problems, no matter how trivial or easily fixed they are. They'll figure it out on their own. Just sit tight and bear it out until they feel better and go home/away. Alternatively, you may have to cheer them up somehow. Good luck with that.
Last, but not least, is the wise man. This can be either the easiest or the hardest of the lot to accomplish, because you have to come up with REAL solutions. It is usually used in combination with any of the other 3 techniques, and doesn't really stand on its own except in particularly rare situations. In this form, you listen to the problem and give your own honest opinion on how to fix the problem. It has to be fair, and considerate to all sides implicated in the issue. The delivery varies, though. You can be professorial, straight to the point, or couch it as delicately as appropriate. You must also be able to determine if the target really wants to hear your opinion or is simply spouting rhetoric.
There you have it, my secret to winning the unsought-for title of 'Best Person To Talk To When Shit Hits The Fan'! Follow these steps and you'll be well on your way to losing sleep due to impromptu trips to beaches in the next state at 3 in the morning and silently hating yourself as you use the truth like a knife to hurt others when they come to you for help.
For questions, or to arrange speaking arrangements by yours truly, please record your statements in the comments section below. Thank you, and good luck!
Saturday, August 2, 2008
I wait for no man.
I hate waiting. Waiting implies inactivity, and I am a perpetually restless person. I cannot sit idly by unless I know I am accomplishing something by doing so. I cannot be patient unless I know doing so draws me closer to my goal. Even then, I chaff at the self-enforced walls of restraint.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not impatient. I am not the kind of person who must have everything quickly, who must get quick results all the time. I am not about instant gratification; I can be deathly serene about waiting, as long as something is there to occupy my attention. As long as I am doing something, my mind and body can vent all its excess energy safely, if not productively. This is one of the reasons why I enjoy music; my mind runs through the lyrics as the song plays, anticipates the note changes and instrument flourishes, and my legs tap to the beat. I have to keep moving, all the time, until I tire myself out and sleep.
When it comes to waiting for events to happen or circumstances to change, I can be equally restless. This usually results in me falling into all sorts of emotional moods and going through mental anguish while I internally debate the pros of waiting versus the cons of lost opportunities that occur from my restraint while I vacillate, trusting the day will come. It is quite a horrible predicament. It's not even faith that keeps me going; at least with faith, you put all your hopes into a God who answers you all the time(I think)...just not in the way you expect. But when you wait for a person....you can't even call it faith. Instead, it is self-delusion, illusions of hope and grandeur, self-inflicted promises and encouragement to hold on for just that little bit longer. It is rubbish, there is no value in it, you cannot trust it, there is no institution that would back such currency. "This dream is good for 1 metric kilogramme of gold, vouched for by the Bank of False Hopes." Hardy har har.
I am so tired.
Yet still I wait. Resilient, unchanging, and constant.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not impatient. I am not the kind of person who must have everything quickly, who must get quick results all the time. I am not about instant gratification; I can be deathly serene about waiting, as long as something is there to occupy my attention. As long as I am doing something, my mind and body can vent all its excess energy safely, if not productively. This is one of the reasons why I enjoy music; my mind runs through the lyrics as the song plays, anticipates the note changes and instrument flourishes, and my legs tap to the beat. I have to keep moving, all the time, until I tire myself out and sleep.
When it comes to waiting for events to happen or circumstances to change, I can be equally restless. This usually results in me falling into all sorts of emotional moods and going through mental anguish while I internally debate the pros of waiting versus the cons of lost opportunities that occur from my restraint while I vacillate, trusting the day will come. It is quite a horrible predicament. It's not even faith that keeps me going; at least with faith, you put all your hopes into a God who answers you all the time(I think)...just not in the way you expect. But when you wait for a person....you can't even call it faith. Instead, it is self-delusion, illusions of hope and grandeur, self-inflicted promises and encouragement to hold on for just that little bit longer. It is rubbish, there is no value in it, you cannot trust it, there is no institution that would back such currency. "This dream is good for 1 metric kilogramme of gold, vouched for by the Bank of False Hopes." Hardy har har.
I am so tired.
Yet still I wait. Resilient, unchanging, and constant.
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