I describe myself the way I am not.

I am a walking contradiction. I am a mini-paradox. I'm pretty sure other people are, too, but let's focus on what we can genuinely confirm here. I go through life doing stuff I don't like. I occasionally tell people what they want to hear rather than what I really feel. I sometimes blatantly lie about who and what I am. I wake up each day thinking about how to achieve goals I don't really believe in. I tell myself that I am something I am not. There are parts of me that I suppress, for the sake of myself and others.

The ideal is for me to do what I want, when I like it. This is almost never possible. My actions are governed by social guidelines, my regard and concern for others, my need to present myself in a certain light to people, and their own expectations of who I am (or who I should be). In order to preserve this delicate ecology of My Reputation and How Others Perceive Me, I am forced to speak, think and act in certain ways, ways that I naturally balk at but have to conform to.

Why do I do this? Why do I toil at going against my nature every single day? Why do I expend any effort at all cultivate a not-entirely-true picture of myself?

Realistically, the benefits are manifold. Some aspects of my nature can be classified "detrimental". My inherent sloth, my tendency to procrastinate....these are all properties that are best suppressed, since we all know that no one really changes, and therefore such "qualities" cannot be scoured away from my psyche under most circumstances. Overriding such tendencies provide immediate benefits that may or may not affect society at large. The most important thing here is that, for a while, I do become a better person.

Other benefits become apparent only in the company of others, and then perhaps only in certain situations. These include my habit of speaking plainly and bluntly, as well as my tendency to automatically stereotype a person based on whatever quality I happen to latch on about them, especially if I do not know them very well. Obviously, indulging in my nature in such situations could have disastrous results.

I like to think that we should all be free to just be ourselves. I like to think that this subtle game of charades I(we) play on a daily basis is totally unnecessary. I like to think that most of us are sensible, reasonable and tolerant individuals who understand and accept variety and differences within each person. I like to think that I am all that which I have described previously. But I'm not. I am ruled by emotions. I am a selfish, miserable soul that sometimes fails to rise above my own petty thoughts and inadequacies to think better of others. I am occasionally too lazy to give other the benefit of doubt, because it is so much easier to assume. And if this is how I function...how can I expect others to do otherwise?

It is far easier to pretend to be something that you are not, if only for a little while, than to actually change yourself. We are the generation of materialistic convenience. We want it fast, we want it easy. Apparently, this also applies to our personality matrices.

It is far easier to pretend, than to actually be.

Let's talk about Henry Thoreau and what a bitch he was.

I'm going to ignore the significance of today's date. It doesn't apply to me.

Anyway, a sweet, well-meaning soul sent me a little e-mail which had some religious significance, bla bla bla. The important thing here is that one of the comments within the e-mail implied that in order to live a better life, one should simplify. It gave the late Mother Theresa as an example, who had very little personal posessions and still led a life many people would be envious of.

So naturally this led me to think about simplifying my life. It took me all of 10 seconds to dismiss this ludicrous thought. Egads! Just 2 weeks ago I was trying my best to be as shallow as possible,"money is everything" and all that jazz and now I'm thinking of simplifying?! What would be left of me if I started dropping all the stuff such an ascetic lifestyle would deem unnecessary?

My new goal in life is to make more money, faster. My secondary goal is to use that money to do other stuff. Stuff like learning new things, picking up new hobbies, finding new friends, doing more travel, buy new STUFF....you know what I'm talking about. If I were to simplify, it would mean dropping all those goals to work towards another goal. And what goal is that? The lack of a proper mission in life is what led me down this dark, empty, materialistic, shallow road in the first place. I don't have anything to look forward to. I don't have someone to give my life to. In absence of such things, is trying to be a little richer than I already am so bad?

Strip away such materialistic ambitions and its rewards and all you've got is a guy who doesn't know what to do with himself.

I need this. I need to work for something, no matter how shallow, or ultimately worthless. I need to know that I am doing something beneficial with myself, no matter how temporal the results. I need to shield myself from the stark reality: that I am a reluctant rock, an island I didn't mean to be.

This is the new year.

Alright. I'm eating crow. I'm going back on what I said a few weeks ago. I admit it. Stop hounding me already.

Last weekend, while I was slaving away on this as-yet unfinished freelance project in a hot and stuffy office, all alone, I noticed a stunning difference.

I'd stopped complaining. I had gotten used to it. It was like I didn't care anymore. It seemed as if I no longer minded working a few extra hours on weekends and holidays. Hmm.

At that juncture, I had a choice: I could REPENT, and decide to never work like this again, and preserve what I'd considered my steadfast principles....or leave the old perspective, let it die, and embrace the new opportunities that this new attitude and focus afforded me.

I took a look at last year and tried to pinpoint where my current principles and focus had led me. End result? Decent money, but I always felt I was a little short. I had a lot of free time, but I frittered most of it away on stuff that didn't really matter. I did not manage to find love as I had hoped, and activities that originated as hobbies became obsessions and started defining who I was. My goals of trying to be happy were not met. Instead, I was left indulging in multiple forms of escapism while waiting for THE BIG THING to happen. in hindsight, my intentions were noble, but what really disappointed me was the stuff I was doing in between.

For this year, I want things to change. I'm going to make money this year! I shall spend more of my time finding ways to increase my financial income. I will not neglect my hobbies and interests, I am merely scaling them back. I want to spend less time moping and being depressed and wistful; less time brooding and reflecting on memories. I want to be less dependent on others when it comes to the use of my time. I will even make slightly more effort to be a social animal! Im going to fucking travel too! Hahahahahahahaha.

This is the year I increase my nett (financial) value significantly. This is the year I make a little something more of myself, my way. This is the year I learn new things, meet new people, change perspectives, attitudes and views, and visit new places. This is hopefully the year I meet someone that.....you know.

So. This is the new year. New year, meet the new (and slightly improved) me. Nice to meet you, how do you do.

Music, direct from their throats (and strings) and straight into my ears.

Switchfoot is coming to town in a few more days!

I can't wait. I've been anticipating this for a month now. I've had tickets to the show for 3 weeks. I went out and bought their albums and have been listening to their songs regularly so that I can sing along during the performance. I made the effort to memorise the lyrics of the songs that I like very much, and to get the chorus down pat at least for the less-liked ones. I've been trying to predict which songs will make the cut.

The last time I went to a concert was a show by My Chemical Romance, last year. That was also my first time attending a rock concert. It totally blew my mind away. I was screaming and singing and bouncing up and down and pumping my fists in the air and waving them in time to the music. And all this under a light rain! I scream-sung for so long that I was hoarse near the end. I also managed to scare this girl next to me with my incessant scream-singing and jumping. She was so cowed that she sat down and eyed me nervously for the rest of the night. My sister later commented that she had gone deaf in one ear solely from the noise I was making beside her. But, you know. Whatever. I don't hear the other 3 thousand-odd spectators complaining.

The experience of a live rock concert is incredible. The lights, the music, the antics of the performers on stage all combine to create a sensory high that you can't get anywhere else. But what really gives the shows that critical mass is the audience. A thousand or more fans screaming and jumping and singing to the songs in unison....a thousand minds tuned in simultaneously to the same melody, being affected by the same lyrics, reacting in more or less the same ways....You could almost describe the whole thing as spiritual, at the risk of bordering on blasphemy. The fans are the acolytes, the band members are the servitors, and the singer is the fanatical archbishop who whips the followers into a screaming cacophony of praise to the gods of rock.

Don't knock it until you try it.

Pedal to the metal.

I discovered a new potential hobby a few weeks ago: go-karting. Yes, you read it right the first time. Go-karting. An old friend introduced me to the thingie, I decided that no one's going to miss me too much if I crash and burn, so I said what the heck.

Things I learned about karting:
1. The kart feels ridiculously fast even though I'm only hitting about 50km/h. This is because it has no cabin to speak of and no safety belts.
2. I finally got to use all those dangerous driving skills I picked up playing computer racing games.
3. Karting is expensive. It's like RM30 for 10 minutes.
4. Karting is crazy fun. Especially under slick conditions. Driving in the rain is recklessly exhilarating.
5. I need to learn how to restart a stalled kart. The stupid track monitors are too lazy to respond quickly to a stalled kart, and every minute that passes by is precious.
6. It is important to make sure that a moving kart NEVER runs over your foot. Ouch.
7. I may be the most reckless driver in the whole of karting history. My driving mates were avoiding me like the plague.
8. Buy your own freakin' helmet. Try your level best not to use the communal helmet. It is....unhygienic.

Daredevil stunts aside, I think that this extravagant hobby is something that I will take to, although not regularly. I may need to get my own helmet though.

VROOOOOOOOOOMMM.................wahahahahaha.

I'm not cut out for this shit.

It's the third Sunday in a row that I've been in the office half-heartedly working, all alone in a stuffy office with no air-conditioning and no windows.

I want to die.

But wait! you ask. What is yours truly putting in extra hours into a job he complains about continually? In truth, I am not. What happened was, I got sweet-talked by the devil himself into taking on a freelance job to earn a little extra cash. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I mean, I'm single and alone and waste most of my weekends lazing around anyway.

Unfortunately, I found out the hard way that I have little motivation, inclination and drive to do freelance work while also being gainfully employed. I just can't summon the enthusiasm. Coupled with the fact that I'm going to be late handing this in and that the devil is getting nervous with the impending deadline and me not showing much progress, you can get the pressure I'm under. In fact, today is the projected deadline I told him. So much for commitment, haha.

Obviously I am not that hard a worker as I thought. I promise myself to never do such a silly thing again. Whatever money I may make from this ill-fated endeavour may very well be blown away in a spending spree just to make up for the mental pain and suffering I'm under right now. Working on a Sunday! How stupid.

I need a new everything.

So, it's the new year. Supposedly time for resolutions, to try and make yourself a better person. So be it.

I resolve to be a more considerate person, to think more about the welfare of others.
I resolve to nurture a slightly better work ethic.

Alright, now that that unpleasant piece of business is over, I've realised that I'm running around with a lot of old and outdated gear. This includes college-era clothes, an old phone that is starting to develop problems, and lack of my own working computer. My athletic shoes are a shambles, I want new glasses and a more mature watch. I may need new loafers, or a pair of new sandals, of which I have not worn for at least a year (I love my hush puppies too much, poor loafers.) I want a kickass laptop, dammit.

Therefore, what better way to celebrate the trap of consumerism, of which many of us are willing captives, than by splurging on a new pair of headphones for my venerable iPod? I like my new headphones very much. They keep the music in, while keeping financial reality out. It's great.